A BUS FULL OF BLONDES
 
Henke´s version of this classic movie (i.e. “Dumb and Dumber”) begins with a peek into a busload of drop-dead gorgeous Swedish blondes. 25 of them to be precise. They are all relaxing in the seats of the rearmost half of the great big coach bus they are travelling in. Amongst them stands a middle-aged - and very prim – lady. A lady who is dressed in much more formal and “proper” apparel than the young, err, well perhaps not ladies – but at least females - who surround her! The smug, prim lady addresses those females.
 
Fröken Dryg:
 
“Girls, girls! Listen up! I will soon need to take a nap. Because all your naughtiness has been keeping me pre-occupied for sixteen hours straight by now! Pre-occupied with the unpleasant task of keeping you girls on the straight and narrow! So – I am going to delegate my authority over you blown-out-of-all-proportion little girls! Little girls who imagine that you are grown-up-women! My authority now devolves onto my trustworthy protegé here - Anna!”
 
Anna Sköldmö (in an utterly obsequious voice):
 
“Thank you, Fröken Dryg! I assure you that I will not let you down when you now proceed to take your well-deserved nap!”
 
Fröken Dryg:
 
“And – remember girls. If you wish to stand any decent chance of winning the upcoming international beauty contest in Aspen – then you will need to be well-rested and fresh tomorrow!
 
“So – girls! Take it easy on this, the last 16-hour leg of our lengthy bus ride from Chicago to the convention centre/venue of the upcoming glorious contest in Aspen. Just chill and relax for the rest of our trip to Aspen! And - don´t you girls dare wear yourselves out by dint of partying and bratting and carousing in anticipation of the victory which we all want so much to achieve.
 
“And! Whatever the heck you do, girls! No alcohol or drugs or tobacco!
 
“And! Absolutely – absolutely no, err, members of the opposite, err, harrumph – opposite gender! Or else!”
 
Anna Sköldmö:
 
”Got it - Fröken Dryg! We sure as heck won´t let you - or our esteemed sponsors - down!
 
“Shall I escort you to your seat at the front of the bus so you can take that precious nap of yours without being disturbed?”
 
Fröken Dryg:
 
“Why yes, Anna! How considerate of you. And please bring that well-chilled ginger ale I requested!”
 
Anna and Fröken Dryg proceed to amble up the central isle of the bus to the front. Fröken Dryg sits herself down in the seat just behind the driver and leans back, sighing with pleasure. Now, at last, she will enjoy a well-deserved rest from the hard work of overseeing an entire bus load of naughty and rambunctious dumb Swedish blondes on their way to a stupid beauty contest in Aspen. Which they must win!
 
Anna (in a silky, smooth voice):
 
“And here is your ice cold ginger ale, Fröken Dryg!”
 
Anna hands Fröken Dryg a large glass filled with ice cubes. She subsequently proceeds to pour a golden stream of ginger ale into the glass from a big bottle.
 
And – when Fröken Dryg happens to be distracted by something happening outside of the bus window – Anna sneaks a dinky little white tablet of some sort of stuff into the now full glass of cold ginger ale. Fröken Dryg suspects nothing, takes a big swallow of the ginger ale and sits back. Quite soon she is fast asleep!
 
THE PARTY BEGINS
 
Anna swaggers back to her mates who are lounging around in the seats of the latter half of the big bus.
 
Ragnhild Stuss (Anna´s right-hand bitch):
 
“Are we in the clear, boss?”
 
Anna:
 
“Absolutely, Ragnhild! No chance in heck that Fröken Dryg will wake up for another twelve hours, at least!
 
“And you all know what that means girls?”
 
A chorus of drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish blondes:
 
“Yeah, boss! It´s party time! Yabba-dabba-doo! Yoo-hoo-hoo!”
 
Anna pulls one drop-dead gorgeous dumb blonde, who seems a bit shy – and to be sure, also appears to be a bit weakish - to the side.
 
Anna:
 
“Hey, Ingrid. You know that you are my flunky, right? You do know your place – don´t you?”
 
Ingrid:
 
“Yes, ma´am! I do indeed!”
 
Anna:
 
“Good for you, Ingrid! Now – I´ve got a job for you!”
 
Ingrid:
 
“You always do, ma´am!”
 
Anna points - with her right arm, hand and forefinger - in the direction of the front of the bus.
 
Anna:
 
”OK, Ingrid. Now listen up! I want you to hurry up to the front of the bus. And sit your butt down in the seat next to Fröken Dryg up there, behind the driver. And – I want you to keep a watch over our esteemed chaperone! And – Ingrid! If Fröken Dryg gives off any vibes whatsoever to the effect that she might be in the process of waking up – on pain of death, Ingrid! You must yell a warning to me and the rest of us girls at the back of the bus! You hear, Ingrid! Don´t you dare let me down, Ingrid! Or else!”
 
The one part of the simple explanation for this outburst of Anna´s is that Anna knows that it is her butt which will be on the line if Fröken Dryg wakes up before Anna and the rest of the drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish blondes have managed to hide the evidence of their very much verboten partying. Which they are right now just about to commence in earnest!
 
And – but of course – the other part of said simple explanation is the fact that Anna is just simply a plain old bully!
 
Now - why is Anna a bully? Coz deep down inside of Anna´s self-confident exterior, Anna is - truth to be told - mighty insecure on the inside. For – Anna has a great big skeleton hidden away in her figurative closet! You see - Anna often goes on and on about how proud she is to be a bona fide, real McCoy type of drop-dead gorgeous, dumb Swedish blonde! But the sad truth – which no one except Anna herself knows about! The sad truth is that Anna is not truly Swedish at all!
 
Oh, sure. Anna had been living in Sweden for as far back in childhood as any of her numerous friends have known her. And she speaks perfectly fluent Swedish. With an authentic Skånsk accent no less!
 
But - she was not born in Sweden to Swedish parents! Her guilty secret is that she was born in Poland to Polack parents!
 
Oh, don´t be so surprised everyone! Lots and lots of beautiful blondes have been born over the years in Poland too! After all - Sweden does not have a monopoly on the birth of drop-dead gorgeous-looking blonde girls within its borders!
 
So - Anna bullies weaker girls for the sake of compensating! Bitch!
 
Well – let´s get back to our tale concerning that gaggle of drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) blondes who were about to commence partying!
 
After assigning Ingrid her flunky´s job, Anna returns to the other 23 gorgeous dumb Swedish blondes in the rear half of the bus.
 
Anna:
 
“OK – bitches! Bring out the eats – and even more important – the beverages with which to wash the eats down! We´re going to party all day and rock´n´roll all night! Or how was it now that anthem went? The one blessed on us by those four ugly jerks with the painted faces. Now, how did that anthem go?”
 
Ragnhild Stuss:
 
”Does´nt matter bitches! Just dig in everyone!”
 
Since the 23 dumb Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) blondes are riding through the American Southwest it should not surprise us that the eats consist of crispy nachos with all the trimmings. And - since the bitches are riding through the American Southwest the nachos cum trimmings are complemented with grilled hot dogs with all the trimmings!
 
THE PARTY GETS WILDER
 
Anna:
 
“Hey – Ragnhild! You - my right-hand bitch! Where the heck are our precious beverages? We can´t possibly be expected to eat all this stuff without something to wash it down with? Can we?”
 
Ragnhild Stuss:
 
“Coming right up, boss! Hey bitches! Listen up! Only the best is good enough for us! Isn´t that right girls?”
 
A chorus of 22 Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) drop-dead gorgeous blondes roars its approval!
 
And then said 22 Swedish bitches – together with one crypto-Swedish bitch – start chanting – a mantra over, and over again!
 
Chorus of 23 bitches: “Törstsläckare! Törstsläckare! Törstsläckare!”
 
After a few minutes the chant dies down and Ragnhild finally shows her girlfriends the goods!
 
A gaggle of elated female voices:
 
“O.P. Anderson! O.P. Anderson! The very best akvavit around! Ragnhild sure knows her stuff! Now we really are going to party!”
 
The broads proceed to start gorging themselves on nachos and grilled hot dogs – with all the trimmings. Washed down with the very best akvavit which Sweden is capable of bringing into existence!
 
At the front of the bus Ingrid is trying hard to concentrate on her assigned task – keeping a beady eye on Fröken Dryg – notwithstanding the oh-so-tempting noises, sounds and smells wafting over to her from the back of the bus. She is sorely tempted to skedaddle down to the rear half of the bus for the sake of joining the party.
 
But - with an heroic exertion of willpower she resists the temptation! For she knows that Anna would develop into one real mean mother of a bully-bitch if she got pissed off by an act of disobedience! So – as the party in the back of the bus first gets underway – and subsequently grows wilder and wilder - Ingrid stays loyally at her post and keeps a watchful eye on Fröken Dryg. Who evidently has passed out for many hours to come. What the heck could that little white tablet which Anna had slipped into the Fröken´s ginger ale possibly have been made of?
 
At the back of the bus the party is getting into full swing. But – Anna senses that there is a little something missing. Suddenly it strikes her like a lightning bolt!
 
Anna:
 
“Bitches! Bitches! Listen up! We forgot the music! We really must follow our beloved Swedish traditions! You know the drill, bitches! We need a little of that traditional allsång! C´mon, bitches – all together now!”
 
A chorus of angelic innocent girlish voices bursts out into song: Helan går, Sjung hopp faderallan lej, Helan går, Sjung hopp faderallan lej, Och den som inte helan trår, Hon heller inte halvan får,
 
Ingrid (from the front of the bus):
 
“Bitches! Bitches! Lookie, lookie! We just happened to pass by a couple of guys walking along the side of the road! A couple of members of the – err, harrumph – of the opposite gender! If we move our butts sufficiently quickly - we just might prove able catch them!
 
Ingrid:
 
“Hey – driver! Stop this confounded bus! And back the bus up to those two guys on the side of the road back there! Those two guys we just passed!”
 
The assembled 23 drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) bitches somehow hear Ingrid – and instantly pipe down - and commence to check things out.
 
Ragnhild:
 
“What the heck! A couple of guys out there on foot? Out here in the Utah desert? All on their own? What the heck is this all about?”
 
Anna:
 
“Who cares what it´s all about? Those two guys are guys! And a couple of guys are just exactly what we need right now for the sake of getting ourselves a real party! A party worthy of the name!
 
“And who cares if those guys look like a pair of pathetic dorks? Out here in the middle of nowhere in the Utah desert we can´t afford to be picky! Can we, bitches?”
 
A chorus of 24 dumb Swedish bitches answer Anna with a roar of approval:
 
“Right on, Anna! So go get those two guys for us! Pronto! We need us some male company right now for the sake of developing a real party in this here bus!”
 
AN EARNEST ATTEMPT TO CATCH A COUPLE OF GUYS
 
Said and done. Anna sashays up to the front of the bus, instructs the driver to open the door – and then she sticks her drop-dead gorgeous dumb crypto-Swedish blonde head out the door and addresses the pair of “pathetic dorks”!
 
And - for the sake of maximising her chances of charming the two dorks into accepting her proposition she decides – on the spur of the moment – to address the dorks in that most beautiful of all the many, many blessed languages on this here Earth – the Swedish language! But of course!
 
A most unfortunate impulsive decision it would eventually turn out!
 
Anna:
 
“Hej på er! Skitstövlar! Vad gör ni två ensamma vandrare här ute mitt i den stekheta och knastertorra öknen i den här gudsförgätna delstaten Utah? Jag ser inte någon tillstymmelse till medhavda vattenflaskor på er, grabbar! Säg inte att ni har alldeles glömt at ta med er någon som helst dricka när ni inledde eran fotvandring här ute i Utahs eländiga öken? Hur dum i huvudet får man vara, grabbar?
 
”Men skitsamma. Vi – och med vi menar jag mig själv – Anna Sköldmö! - och mina 24 dundersköna tjejkompisar därinne i bussen!
 
”Jag säger er bara! Vi har massor med dricka, grabbar! O.P. Anderson enkannerligen! Den allra bästa akvaviten som Sveriges Rike har att erbjuda! Och oss tjejer – alla oss 25 dundersköna, dumma, svenska blondiner – vi äro villiga att dela allt vi har med er!
 
”Så - ni två patetiska skitstövlar! Ni har haft en salig jättetur! Nu då vi tjejer har dykt upp - så behöver ni inte långsamt törsta ihjäl alldeles ensamma här ute i den stekheta och knastertorra öknen i Utah! Nej! Ni kan i stället uppleva världens häftigaste party med en hel buss som råkar vara proppfylld med hela 25 dundersköna, dumma, svenska blondiner! Allt ni behöver göra, grabbar, är att kliva ombord – och festa loss med oss tjejer!” [NOTE 1]
 
Anna gives said pair of ”pathetic dorks” a toss of her drop-dead gorgeous head and retreats into the bus – all the while beckoning them with an oh-so-friendly smile and a gesture with her right hand and a crooked finger.
 
Outside the open door of the bus stand the two guys – dressed sort of like hobos – and gaping open-mouthed at Anna as she retreats into the bus. The obvious fact that Anna was trying hard to signal them was this:
 
“C´mon guys! Me and the 24 other girls in this here bus want you two dummies to join us!”
 
But that fact does not seem to register with them at all! Instead of following Anna into the bus - the two “pathetic dorks” just stand there! Exactly where they already are! Outside the bus, that is.
 
Then one of them speaks. But to the other one of them – not to Anna!
 
Lloyd (addressing his buddy, Harry):
 
“What the f*ck was that all about? That broad must have been speaking some weird-ass tongue from some far-off corner of the globe. I couldn´t make out a single word of that broad´s verbiage. Any idea what language she might have been speaking?”
 
Meanwhile – inside the bus.
 
SORRY, ANNA – NO GUYS TODAY
 
Anna stares at the pair of “pathetic dorks” in despair – shrugs her shoulders – and retreats deeper into the bus – all the while ignoring the dorks.
 
Meanwhile – outside the bus.
 
Harry:
 
“Lloyd, I got a feeling – I mean a hunch – that the broad might have been speaking some obscure dialect of Japanese. Going by the general sounds of her chirping.”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Naw! That’s just too weird, man. She sure didn’t look Japanese to me!”
 
Meanwhile – inside the bus.
 
Anna instructs the driver of the bus to close the door and prepare to drive on.
 
Meanwhile - outside the bus.
 
Harry:
 
“Well, Lloyd! I´ll have you know that her tsunami of crazy-ass noises sure sounded like Japanese to me!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Oh no! You know what that means, don´t you Harry?”
 
Harry:
 
“Sure do, Lloyd, sure do! We just got ourselves still another one of those great, big problems! That’s what!”
 
Meanwhile – inside the bus.
 
Anna wanders back to the rear half of the bus and joins her fellow drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish, (and in Anna´s case, crypto-Swedish) blondes!
 
A chorus of disappointed drop-dead gorgeous female blondes immediately interrogates Anna:
 
“Anna! Aren´t those two guys going to join our party?”
 
Anna:
 
“I´m afraid not, bitches! Those two guys must have been a pair of frigging zombies wandering around all alone out here in the desert! You know the drill – they were utterly braindead! They just weren´t interested in joining our party! Go figure!”
 
Meanwhile – outside the bus.
 
Lloyd:
 
“Yeah! Darn right, Harry! This means we don´t even stand a chance of ever communicating with those drop-dead gorgeous broads! At all! So there´s no way whatsoever we could ask them if they might by chance be headed for Aspen! And - if they were headed for Aspen – whether, or not they, in that case, might choose to real be nice to us and give us a lift to said Aspen!”
 
“And you know what that means, Harry? It means that we’re going to have to walk all the way to Aspen! And that all by ourselves! And - we don´t even know the way! Crap! It´s always the same. You and me, Harry – we never, ever seem to get an even break!
 
“This sucks! Just like everything always does!”
 
Meanwhile – inside the bus.
 
Anna:
 
“Ragnhild, my right-hand bitch! Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by those two pathetic dorks? Those dorks who had the chutzpah to turn down our oh-so-generous invitation to party with us?”
 
Meanwhile – outside the bus.
 
Harry:
 
“Yeah, man! You got it! Hey, you know what Lloyd? That dude Frank Zappa was darn right! He was a real smart guy. Unlike us!
 
“You know the drill, Lloyd? Karaoke! All together now! Here we go! `The Torture Never Stops!´”
 
Meanwhile – inside the bus.
 
Ragnhild:
 
“I think this is where we were Anna, boss!”
 
Helan gåååååår,
 
And! All the rest of the assembled broads chime in real loud:
 
Sjung hopp faderallan lej!!!
 
Meanwhile – outside of the bus.
 
Lloyd, but of course, just couldn’t resist this invitation (i.e. Harry´s invitation – not the Swedish blondes´ dito) - to burst into song.
 
Lloyd:
 
“I’ll sing right along with you, Harry! I´m your buddy after all! And karaoke always sounds better with two together anyway, you know!
 
And - so the two buffoons start singing at the tops of their lungs in a weird-ass type of harmony:
 
“Oh, the torture never stops! No sirree! It sure as hell never does! Life´s a bitch! And that´s the unvarnished truth!”
 
And so on. And so on.
 
But! After like - five seconds – a certain something happens which shuts the two crazies right up. It turns out that the bus hasn’t had time yet to start moving. It isn´t yet in the process of leaving our two pathetic dork-heroes stranded right there out in the middle of the desolate desert of Utah. The bus is still standing still! So, but of course, those 24 nubile young Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) beauties in the bus are still well within earshot of our two wannabe Carusos!
 
And the noise said pair of dorks are making! The broads sure don´t like it at all!
 
CONSTERNATION AMONGST THE BROADS
 
So! Meanwhile – inside the bus.
 
Anna:
 
“What in blazes is that racket? Can´t a bunch of us innocent, dumb, Swedish blondes have an innocent, noisy, riotous party in peace? Where in heck is that godawful noise coming from?”
 
Ragnhild Stuss:
 
“It´s coming from outside, Anna! It´s those two pathetic dorks again! They seem to be hellbent on spoiling our fun! Förbannade skitstövlar!”
 
“Bitches! We are not going to take this lying down – are we? C´mon bitches! Let´s use food as a weapon! I´ll just smash this here rear window first – so that all of you fellow bitches can get clear shots at the dorks!”
 
Well - it turns out that somehow - Ragnhild had at some point earlier in the day - equipped herself with a great big baseball bat! So - Ragnhild has no trouble whatsoever in bashing out the rear window of the bus. Which gives her fellow 23 bitches an opportunity to “open fire” at the two pathetic dorks!
 
And – so the bunch of 23 innocent, dumb, Swedish (plus one crypto-Swedish) blondes did what any gaggle of dumb Swedish (and crypto-Swedish) blondes worthy of the name would do in said kind of situation! They started pelting the two sources of the disturbance with unhygienic scraps of half-eaten food!
 
Tomato red salsa, chartreuse green mashed avocados and snowy white sour cream from the nacho trimmings! Plus - grainy yellow mustard, crimson red ketchup and gooey greenish relish from the grilled hot dog trimmings! These 24 broads sure as hell weren’t that dumb! I´ll have you know! Even though they were Swedish (and one was crypto-Swedish)! (Heh, heh!)
 
Meanwhile – outside the bus.
 
Lloyd:
 
“Hey! We’re under attack, Harry!
 
Harry:
 
“Well, stoopid! Don´t just stand there talking about it, Lloyd! Run for it!”
 
Hey everybody! Here comes the empirical proof! Lloyd and Harry do have half a brain each after all!
 
Because now, Lloyd and Harry do a pretty good job of Usain Bolt impersonations as they try their utmost best to escape the intense barrage of half-eaten food.
 
But! They soon find themselves just standing there. But not in the same place they were standing in before! Instead - they have had enough time by now to do some major running! And, to boot, the food-scrap shelling has stopped! Has stopped for the simple reason that the bus is now slowly pulling away from the dorks. In the general direction of Aspen!
 
Lloyd and Harry just stand there for a while. With tears welling up in their eyes. Sadly, sadly watching the bus slowly disappearing into the distance.
 
And then! All, of a sudden! Lloyd does a face palm!
 
CONSTERNATION AMONGST THE TWO DORKS
 
Lloyd:
 
“Oh no, Harry! How could we have been so stoopid?
 
Harry:
 
“Oh no! Hell yeah, Lloyd! But of course! It stands to reason that we have in fact picked up a smattering of Japanese vocabulary by now, after all!
 
Lloyd:
 
“Darn right we did, Harry! Why - oh why didn´t we remember that before now – now that it´s too late?”
 
Harry:
 
“Aw, man! How, could we have forgotten! We had been binge-watching that sleazy Japanese porno that you shoplifted the day before, from that local Blockbuster store. When we were still at home in Providence, Rhode Island! And when those two shady debt-collectors hadn´t shown up yet and spoiled our fun! Well, they didn´t show up until just before we had finished ogling those Japanese broads all the time up to the end of the porno.
 
“But of course! We must have picked up at least a few useful Japanese words and phrases after all that intensive studying! For – we sure do know that we are dumb. But at least each of us does have half a brain anyways!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Well, then Harry - we better get our asses moving right away! So that we can communicate with that busload of dumb Japanese blondes before that bus they’re riding in is gone forever!”
 
And so – very soon we see the two hormone-filled jerks/jocks/dorks running frantically after the bus – panting and wheezing and trying hard to catch up with said broads-packed bus before it becomes permanently too late!
 
Harry:
 
“Hey youse girls! Sayonara, sayonara! Please listen up! Sayonara, girls! Both of us guys back here have something of real importance to communicate to you! Please listen to us! Oh – please!”
 
AND - BLONDES ARE ALL DUMB AFTER ALL!
 
And - here comes the empirical proof! Swedish blondes are in fact - all of them - dumb after all! Every single one of them!
 
For! Meanwhile – back in the bus.
 
Inside the bus an awful lot of activity has begun to develop. All those young and dumb Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) blondes have decided that it would be a good idea to make use of that golden, golden silence thing which they had been blessed with. By means of doing still some more of that “allsång” thing which they had been enjoying themselves with before they were so rudely interrupted by the braying of those two pathetic jackass dorks!
 
For! The dumb blondes had something like twelve or fourteen more hours to go before their long bus ride would come to it´s inevitable end in Aspen. And - being Swedish young dumb blondes specifically, they naturally chose to while away the coming, boring hours with a very traditional Swedish recreational activity.
 
“Allsång”, but of course!
 
The chorus of gorgeous dumb young Swedish blondes in the bus:
 
“Helan går, ”Sjung hopp faderallan lej! ”Helan går, ”Sjung hopp faderallan lej!”
 
They enjoyed the singing thing for a couple of unsuspecting minutes. But then – at the two-minute mark – one of the girls just happened to glance out the big hole in the back of the bus where the window had been – before Ragnhild had smashed it to pieces with her baseball bat!
 
Britta:
 
”What on Earth can those two entities back there possibly be? Bitches! Listen up! A couple of crazy-ass creatures behind the bus are chasing us! And they don´t look like anything I´ve ever seen before!”
 
Said pair of ”crazy-ass creatures” were, but of course, none other than those “pathetic dorks” Lloyd and Harry. Apparently - they were back for more! But – they were not recognizable! They did not even resemble human beings worthy of the name! Why?
 
Because they were covered from head to toe by those nasty half-eaten food remnants which those nasty dumb Swedish blondes had perpetrated on them! Half-eaten food remnants of a multitude of a rainbow´s worth of strange colours! Those drop-dead gorgeous 23 dumb Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) blondes did not even recognize their own ”artwork”! And so - they did not think with their brains. Instead, the girls did their “thinking” with their oh-so-lively imaginations!
 
Britta:
 
”They both have two legs and two arms at least! And each of them has at least one thingy each on top which resembles a head. But they sure as heck can´t be human beings! For – they look just too goshdarn hideous to be human!”
 
Karin:
 
”Ohmygod! I know exactly what this means! We are being hunted by a pair of aliens! You know the drill bitches! Those extraterrestials whom everyone with a brain has known all along existed somewhere out there in outer space! And now it´s happened! Those evil aliens have finally decided to do it! That awful alien conspiracy which us girls have had nightmares about for decades and decades past! The invasion from outer space has now in fact begun! And bitches – get this! The aliens are here! We know that! Because seeing is believing! And we are utterly unprepared for them!”
 
Susanne:
 
”Oh, no! It can´t possibly be true! I will bet my eye teeth that those aliens are plotting to rape all of us drop-dead gorgeous blondes! An alien gang bang perpetrated on us! You know the drill girls – don´t you? Everyone who is equipped with at least half a brain has known this for years and years! Every single alien in the entire cosmos lusts with all their heart and all their might for us white girls!”
 
A whole bunch of dumb Swedish white girls in a gigantic chorus:
 
”Oh, no! Help! If those two vicious aliens manage to catch up with our bus the result will be in the end that all of us innocent girls wind up being raped! Right here in the bus! By a pair of hideous aliens to boot! Our looming fate is just too awful to contemplate! What are we to do – girls?”
 
The entire bus load of girls is now on the verge of dying from a collective heart attack brought about by sheer panic! But – Anna Sköldmö rises to the occasion!
 
And that should not surprise us in the slightest. After all – it´s in her very name! (If you don´t quite get that, dear readers – then try looking up the Swedish-language word “sköldmö” in a Swedish-to-English dictionary!)
 
IN EVERY EMERGENCY THERE´S ALWAYS A HEROINE
 
Anna:
 
“Broads, broads! I mean bitches! Listen up – if you want to live! You know the drill. `We have nothing to fear but fear itself!´ Remember that everybody! We are a rough-and-ready gang of dumb blonde Swedish bitches – not pathetic mice!”
 
After said chewing out the dumb blondes begin to regain their nerve – and even courage! For – nothing beats a great big bromide!
 
Karin:
 
“Hell yeah, Anna! We sure ain´t afraid of no aliens! Coz we´re girls, not mice!”
 
Then the rest of the girls rally behind the flag!
 
Susanne:
 
“Hell, yeah! Girl power! We sure know that drill! We sure as heck are a gang of 25-strong dumb blonde girls! We can lick two pathetic aliens any day of the week! Each of us with a hand tied behind her back to boot! Pile up on them aliens – youse bitches! We´ll show them!”
 
Now all hell breaks loose in the bus! Suddenly the bus is no longer filled with wailing and tears! Instead - the bus is chock full of battle cries! And even a few somewhat premature roars of victory!
 
In the front of the bus Ingrid is wondering to herself what the heck all the noisy fuss in the back of the bus for the last few minutes was all about. But she has a job to carry out and she is hellbent on doing it properly! But now that the noise coming from the back of the bus is getting louder still, Ingrid begins to worry that maybe Fröken Dryg might possibly awaken from her deep slumber – with the result that all our 24 drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish (and one dumb crypto-Swedish) blondes wind up in deep crap and hot water!
 
But Anna apparently knew her drugs quite well, thank you! So - Fröken Dryg remains totally “out of it"! And - notwithstanding the hubbub at the back of the bus Ingrid stays - with an awesome display of stubborn loyalty – and fear of a bully to boot - at her assigned post!
 
Britta:
 
“Hell, yeah! We shall overcome! If only our hearts are in it! For what are we made of - girls? I´ll tell you! We´re made of that dumb Swedish blonde stuff! That is what we´re made of! None of those frigging aliens whomsoever stands a chance against us!”
 
Now it´s time for Anna to demonstrate her strong leadership qualities! She shows us that she doesn´t just have the right attitude! She also proves to us that she has both of her feet on the ground!
 
Anna:
 
“Bitches, bitches! Skitstövlar! “Remember girls that we have nothing to fear except fear itself! Except for one thing! And – that ”thing” is - but of course - hubris girls! We must maintain a healthy fear of overconfidence! For if we develop hubris – then we might very well get sloppy! And then we will lose – skitstövlar!
 
“So now – bitches! Enough of the swashbuckling thing! We bitches need to get down to business! We must be aware that we need to do the right things - and we need to do those right things in the right order! So! First things first – stoopids! We must prepare ourselves for the upcoming war of the worlds with a plan!”
 
So! The entire gaggle of brave and gorgeous and dumb Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) blondes put all their dumb, blonde heads together and carry out one great, big brain-storming session!
 
Britta:
 
”The most obvious circumstance of them all - right now - is this! We must arm ourselves for battle! But of course, there cannot be any snowball´s chance in hell that we will succeed in our holy ambition of beating up on those horrible aliens unless we are armed when we meet them in battle!”
 
Karin:
 
“Hell yeah, Britta! You got it!
 
“Or - do you, Britta? What the heck kind of weapons can we possibly have available to us right here in this frigging bus?”
 
Anna: “I´ll tell you bitches just exactly what kind of weapons we have available to us in this here bus! Baseball bats! You - pathetic dummies! Baseball bats, bitches! I just happen to know that this here bus had been on a mission to transport the entire New York Yankees baseball team to Chicago, for the sake of meeting the Chicago Cubs in a great big exhibition match! Just before the bus company got hired by us to take us to our precious beauty contest in Aspen!”
 
“And surely you broads know what all those baseball jocks are like, don´t you, bitches? Sho ´nuff! When they arrived in Chicago those jocks were in such a rush to get out from this here bus and then immediately rush over to the stadium in time - that they wound up leaving all their precious baseball bats behind them right here in the baggage compartment of this here bus!
 
“Those pathetic dofus! But - you know the drill, girls! What´s bad for the jocks is good for the broads! So - roll up your sleeves and dig in!”
 
So now the entire gaggle of dumb Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) blondes know just exactly what they have to do for the sake of being well-prepared for battle! When those two evil aliens finally get around to catching up with their bus! But of course, the principle which applies here is that “If a single baseball bat is good enough for that awesome bitch Harlequin - then surely an entire arsenal of baseball bats must be good enough for us 23 awesome dumb blonde Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) bitches?”
 
BITCHES ARM THEMSELVES FOR WAR!
 
Anna led the gaggle of drop-dead gorgeous dumb blonde Swedish bitches up the aisle to the front of the bus. Then – Anna ordered the driver, in no uncertain terms, to stop the bus, open the door and let her and the rest of the blonde beauties out.
 
Said and done.
 
Well, this make-shift small army of Swedish dumb blondes were so caught up in their enthusiastic anticipation of their forthcoming baptism of fire fighting that pair of frigging aliens to the death - that they didn´t even notice poor Ingrid sitting all by herself in a seat in a corner close to the front of the bus. Instead, they just ran right past her in their frantic rush to emerge from the bus and fetch those 24 precious baseball bats from the baggage compartment!
 
And Ingrid didn´t notice them, either, as they stampeded past her! For – she was so engrossed in the monotonous non-activity of keeping a beady eye on Fröken Dryg that she didn´t have a clue at all concerning what was going on around her! So! Ingrid simply missed out on this golden opportunity to have some fun for once in her life! Ingrid´s luck was rotten that day - as always!
 
But. As soon as those 23 awesome Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) bitches got around to opening that charmed baggage compartment, something hitherto unsuspected dawned on them.
 
Sure, it figured. How could it have been otherwise? Those jocks! They were, but of course, entities of such a nature that they simply could not keep their stuff together in an orderly way worthy of the name!
 
The entire baggage compartment is a holy mess! Nike sports shoes, uniforms, jock straps, plastic bottles of Gatorade, baseball caps – and, also, to be sure – an occasional baseball bat or two - scattered around all over the place! Here and there in that chaotic small mountain of stuff in the spacious compartment. So – the gang of broads realize right off the bat [Sorry for that atrocious pun – I just couldn´t help myself!] that it would take them some major amount of time to sift through said small mountain of random junk until they wound up having equipped themselves with 24 of those sorely needed baseball bats.
 
So! They immediately get down to it!
 
Anna: “OK! We need to practice the virtue of being super-prudent bitches. So - I must appoint one of you other bitches to be our lookout! So that we don´t wind up having those devious aliens get so near to us before we notice them that they manage to take us by surprise!
 
“Britta! You´re the bitch for the job. You will be our lookout. Just stand over there, about ten yards from the bus, so that you get a good view. And so that you can see both those aliens in time for sure as they get nearer and nearer. And make darn sure that you give the rest of us bitches a big loud warning of the approaching danger while we are busy dealing with this here great big holy mess! The mess in which we know that our precious baseball bats are buried – somewhere!”
 
Britta promptly gets into position. About ten yards from the bus.
 
Anna:
 
“OK. And you - over there. Yes, I mean you, Karin! Bitch! We need to be super-prudent right now. So – I want you to function as my human relay. Just in case our dofu - I mean Britta - just in case our girl Britta turns out to be not-up-to-the-task of blessing us with a sufficiently loud and intelligible warning that the aliens are getting nearer. In case of that eventuality - I want you - yes you Karin! I want you to stand precisely in the middle out there. In the middle - in between Britta and us remaining 22 bitches. And, on pain of death, you must bless us with a relay of Britta´s warning! If Britta´s warning comes while we are still pre-occupied with digging around and around in this great big mess! Trying desperately to equip ourselves – and also, you and Britta - with 24 of those precious baseball bats!
 
“Karin - our courageous attempt to foil this currently ongoing alien invasion from outer space won´t stand a chance of success if you fail us! You must do your duty properly when it´s time for you to come up to the bat. [Again, awfully sorry for that horrible pun – I just couldn´t help myself. Honest!] You must not let us down when that time finally comes around, Karin. You must do it! Don´t you dare let us down, Karin! Bitch! Just you relay Britta´s message accurately and promptly so that I don´t fail to organize our troops for battle in time! Got it?”
 
Karin:
 
“Sho ´nuff, boss! Will do!”
 
MURPHY´S LAW LIVES!
 
So - Anna is satisfied that things are going according to plan, so far. Surely nothing could go wrong now, could it? For – she just knew that all those 23 awesome blonde Swedish bitches under her improvised command were made of the right stuff!
 
So – by the time said two evil aliens have gotten sufficiently near, so that they could begin to pose a threat – Anna and all 22 of her awesome blonde bitches are busy digging and digging through that mess in the baggage compartment of their bus.
 
And – but of course. At this point Britta sees the pair of evil aliens jogging and jogging closer and closer to the bus. And – she sure remembers to do her duty! For - she yells out her warning in the very loudest voice she is capable of:
 
Britta:
 
“The aliens are getting nearer!”
 
Karin is now certain that she has in fact heard Britta´s warning loud and clear. So! She does the right thing also!
 
Or so she thinks!
 
Karin:
 
“The alligators are getting nearer!”
 
Anna:
 
“Whut the heck! Now we´re suddenly being attacked by an evil pair of alligators from outer space?! This is just too weird, man! Something´s wrong here!
 
“Hey bitches - listen up! Maybe we got these weird creatures from outer space all wrong? Maybe they´re not evil aliens from outer space after all? Maybe they´re evil alligators from outer space – and not aliens?”
 
Susanne:
 
“Evil alligators from outer space? Or evil aliens from outer space? What the heck difference does it make? Practically, I mean? Being raped by a pair of evil alligators from outer space or being raped by a pair of evil aliens from outer space? Either way it´s all the same to me! Whatever the heck is going on around here right now - I for one sure as heck don´t want it!”
 
Anna:
 
“I see what you mean, Susanne! So – OK, bitches - get back to work! Whichever it is - either evil aliens from outer space or evil alligators from outer space – whichever alternative it is - they are getting nearer now! So! We don´t have much time!”
 
Meanwhile – some distance from the bus.
 
Lloyd (stopping his running):
 
“Hey, slow down, Harry! Stop, Harry! Something´s wrong!
 
“Hey! Harry, now we´re finally close enough be able to see why the bus suddenly stopped a few moments ago. It looks like that bus of theirs must have broken down. Coz all those dumb Japanese blondes - they all seem to be just milling around aimlessly at the side of the bus. Except for two of them who for some strange reason of their own are just standing there like dummies and looking at us, five or ten feet to the side of the bus. You know what that means don´t you, Harry?”
 
Harry:
 
“Sure do, Lloyd, sure do! We just got ourselves still another one of those great, big problems! That´s what!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Yeah! Darn right, man! This means that now we don´t even stand a chance of getting to Aspen in time! For, it stands to reason that there´s no way that a great big gaggle of dumb Japanese blondes are going to have what it takes to fix up a great big bus that´s just broken down - at leat not in less than literally eons and eons of time!”
 
Harry:
 
“Aw, man! This is just so awful that I could just burst out crying – er, I mean singing!
 
“You know the drill, Lloyd? All together now! Here we go! “The Torture Never Stops!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Cut it the out, Harry! Cut it out! Don´t continue to be a jackass now! We gotta respond to at least one of our innumerable great, big problems in a constructive way - just this once!
 
“You know the drill, Harry? We just gotta go down there to the bus and help those girls fix up that confounded broken-down vehicle!
 
“After all! We´re guys – not gals. And you know what that means, Harry? Since we´re guys - and not pathetic drop-dead gorgeous Japanese dumb blondes – us two are the kind of entities who are up to the practical task of fixing up that broken-down bus!”
 
Harry:
 
“We are, Lloyd? I sure didn´t know that!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Aw c´mon, Harry! Don´t just stand there talking about it, Harry! Run down to those girls with me for Chrissake! And help me give those broads a hand with that confounded broken-down bus!”
 
And so - Lloyd and Harry start jogging and panting and wheezing again. In the direction of said confounded bus. Britta notices this, but of course. For, she is a good wannabe soldier. And therefore – she´s still standing there – ready to give the alarm!
 
Britta:
 
“The aliens are getting nearer!”
 
Karin has also been a good wannabe soldier all this time. So - she immediately relays Britta´s warning as loudly and accurately as she possibly can.
 
Karin:
 
“The alimonies are getting nearer!”
 
Anna:
 
“Whut the cr-p? The alimonies are getting nearer? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Are those weird creatures from outer space so utterly screwed-up that they´re in the middle of a divorce? They´re getting divorced at the very same time that they´re busy invading Mother Earth? I do think that I am beginning to get nervous! Or maybe that I´m even beginning to freak out! And that is equally bad news for my battle fitness!”
 
Lloyd and Harry – the two putative aliens/alligators/alimonies from outer space are by now getting nearer still. And so, but of course, Britta does the right thing once again!
 
Britta:
 
“The aliens are getting much nearer!”
 
And likewise, Karin also does her version of the right thing!
 
Karin:
 
“The anal beads are getting much nearer!”
 
Anna:
 
“Oh, no! Now it´s even worse! Much worse! I do have some kind of idea of how to go about fighting aliens and alligators - and even alimonies from outer space - who are busy invading Mother Earth! But anal beads from outer space! What the heck can the proper procedure be for defending the Earth against an invasion of anal beads from outer space? I don´t have the faintest clue!
 
“Oh, my aching head! I feel just like I´m trapped in one of those screwed-up, crazy-ass Mel Brooke movies right now! What on Earth am I to do?”
 
Meanwhile – some distance away.
 
Lloyd and Harry are now slowing down. They are wheezing and coughing from exhaustion. After running towards the bus for several minutes. And now they suddenly stop altogether and just stand there on the spot. Resting.
 
THE BITCHES IMPROVISE!
 
Meanwhile – down at the bus.
 
Now the small make-shift army of drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish blondes are in a really bad situation! For, their commanding officer, Anna, has just gone into some kind of weird-ass perversion of shell shock! Anna is - no doubt about it - no longer fit to participate in the forthcoming desperate fight! However, at just the last minute another heroine unexpectedly steps up to the plate and saves the day!
 
Karin:
 
“Hey, bitches! I just got a funny feeling that this mess of a bad situation we seem to be in right now is somehow – I haven´t the faintest idea how – must in some undefined way be my fault. So! I´m bitch enough to know that I must take responsibility for my own mess-ups.
 
“So - bitches! We have by now equipped ourselves with at least close to all, of those 25 – er, I mean 24 - awesome baseball bats! Those bats which we are going to need for the sake of whupping the asses of those evil anal beads - or alimonies - or alligators - or whatever - from outer space!
 
“So – bitches! What are we waiting for? The best defence is a good offense! Our best kind of tactic right now must be that blitz thing which the jocks often resort to when they find themselves in a tight spot in one of those American football war thingies! C´mon and follow me, bitches! Geronimo! Banzai! Charge!”
 
Then the subsequent chorus of awesome bitches resounds over the desolate Utah desert: “Banzai, banzai, banzai!”
 
Meanwhile – some distance away. A VISION OF PARADISE
 
Lloyd:
 
“Hey, Harry! Do you see what I see?”
 
Harry:
 
“Sure do, Lloyd, sure do! We´ve finally got lucky! And now, right now, we are being blessed with one of those golden opportunities to turn our pathetic lives around entirely. This is it, Lloyd! The very thing which we daydreamed about so many, many times over all those miserable years of our past lives!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Yes, Harry! Yes! It´s happening! Like right now! We´re finally gonna get laid for the very first time in our lives! That great big gang of drop-dead gorgeous dumb Japanese blondes must have - just a few moments ago - come to their senses! And now at long last they have realized just what an awesome pair of God´s best gifts to wimmin the two of us dorks really are! And, but of course – how could it be otherwise? And now those dumb Japanese blondes are horny! For us! This is just too good to be true, Harry!”
 
Harry:
 
“And how! Those beautiful dumb Japanese blondes ain´t so dumb after all! Judging by their behaviour right now. Coz they just can´t bear to wait for us! Coz right now, those Jap blondes are running their oh-so-cute butts off for the sake of getting to experience our awesome bodies! ASAP!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Darn right man! Darn right! But you know what, Harry? It sure looks to me like they are in fact a small army of dumb blonde Japanese broads who are doing the banzai charge thing in our direction! Coz they´re so super horny that they just can´t help themselves!”
 
Harry:
 
“Oh, Lloyd! This is almost too good to be true! In just another moment we´re gonna be blessed with the ecstatic experience of losing our male virginity in a veritable mass orgy with something like 25 drop-dead gorgeous Japanese dumb blondes all at once! This situation is almost too good to be true!”
 
Lloyd and Harry are so elated by the recent development that they develop a major second wind and commence running - well, jogging at least - towards the bus.
 
Meanwhile – some (smaller now) distance away.
 
Karin:
 
“OK, bitches! Now we´re really getting close! In just another moment it´s really gonna happen! In just another moment we´re gonna be blessed with the ecstatic experience of growing those major balls we´ve daydreamed about over all those miserable years of our past lives!”
 
Britta:
 
“Darn right bitch! Darn right! We´re dog-tired of being pathetic members of the weaker sex. And, furthermore, knowing that us drop-dead gorgeous dumb blondes really are in fact the sex that´s weaker than the jocks! That really hurts! But soon, real soon - like in exactly, just another five seconds - us gorgeous dumb blonde Swedish bitches are gonna fix up this enormous problem of ours – and that big time! That evil pair of anal beads from outer space are sure gonna wish that they never even daydreamed of invading the Earth to begin with! Banzai! Banzai!”
 
PARADISE LOST!
 
Harry:
 
“Lloyd, hey Lloyd! I just got a bad feeling about this! Coz, you know what? I did in fact pick up a minute bit of vocabulary of the Japanese language from those pornos we studied so intensively back home in Providence! And I think I know just what that Japanese word `banzai´ really means! And I sure as heck don´t like it!”
 
Lloyd:
 
“Aw, Harry! You - dork! Get over it! You´re never gonna get to enjoy life if you never get around to kicking that bad habit of yours! You know – that bad habit of being equipped with that never-ending pessimism of yours! Just relax and enjoy this wonderful thing which is right now about to happen to us! The two of us have gotten lucky at last! Coz we´re gonna lose our pathetic male virginity in just a few seconds!
 
“And get this Harry - you dummy! We´re gonna lose that pathetic male virginity of ours in a great big gangbang with a gaggle of drop-dead gorgeous dumb Japanese blondes to boot! This is just too good to be true! And - therefore. It must be true!”
 
Oh, that poor pathetic looser, Lloyd! If only he knew what specific kind of a “great big gangbang” with a gaggle of drop-dead gorgeous dumb Japanese blondes he was going to experience in just a few seconds! Oh, the irony of it all!
 
Meanwhile – just a few yards away.
 
The chorus of the small, improvised army of 23 beautiful Swedish blonde bitches:
 
Karin:
 
“Turn those freaks from outer space into jelly! Bitches! Turn them into jelly! Harlequin lives!”
 
Britta:
 
“Us dumb Swedish blondes sure ain´t afraid of no aliens or alligators or anal beads or - whatever they are - from outer space. We sure don´t want no illegal weird-ass creatures from outer space encroaching on our territory! Those famed Men in Black have evidently been lying down on their jobs!”
 
Ragnhild:
 
“And you know what that means, bitches? That means we gotta fix this problem up ourselves! We sure are gonna prove to the world that us broads ain´t no weaker sex after all! Coz in a just a few seconds we´re gonna do an awesome job of functioning as a gang of vigilantes who fix things up when the Men in Black let us down!”
 
So - the 23 drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish blondes do a thorough job of perpetrating the “great big gangbang” on those hapless “aliens” - Lloyd and Harry! When the bitches are finally satisfied with the job they have done – there is not much visible evidence that they have done it! For – Lloyd and Harry have been literally beaten (by baseball bats, no less) right into the dirt!
 
AFTERMATH
 
A satisfied gaggle of wannabe Swedish blonde beauty queens troop back to the bus – just as the sun is setting. Just outside the open door to the bus the girls find Anna. Anna is sitting on the ground, hanging her head and babbling to herself. The gaggle of blondes gently escort her back into the comfort of the bus.
 
Ingrid:
 
“What the heck just happened out there? I noticed that the bus was empty – except for Fröken Dryg, the driver and me – half an hour ago! Where the heck have all of you been? “And don´t tell me you merely had to go outside to do your ablutions! Coz you´ve been gone for something like thirty minutes!”
 
Karin (in a tired voice):
 
“It´s a long story, Ingrid. And right now - we must prioritize the getting of some shuteye! You can leave Fröken Dryg now and let her sleep off whatever it was that Anna slipped into her ginger ale. Just come and join us in the sleeping bunks in the back of the bus.
 
“And don´t worry about Anna. The rest of us will put her to bed. I´m sure she will feel better in the morning! And I can explain to you, Ingrid, what happened outside once we are all snuggled up in our bunks and waiting for sleep to come.
 
“Oh – and driver! Please get this bus moving, ASAP! We need to arrive at our destination in Aspen no later than 6:00 AM sharp tomorrow morning!”
 
And – but of course! The team of 24 drop-dead gorgeous Swedish (and one crypto-Swedish) blondes make a clean sweep of the 1994 World Beauty Pageant of Aspen!
 
The lesson of this story:
 
”Dumma, läckra svenska blondiner slår alltid högst! (Även då en av dem egentligen äro en polack!) Heh, heh!“ [NOTE 2]
 
[NOTE 1] (Translation into English)
 
Anna:
 
”Hello there! A-holes! What the heck are you two lonely wanderers doing out here in the middle of the furnace-hot and tinder-dry desert in this God-forsaken state of Utah? I don´t see any shred of evidence that you two dorks have had the wits to equip yourselves with any bottles of water! Please don´t tell me that you guys completely forgot to take something to drink with you when you decided to set out on your walk out here through the desolate wastelands of Utah? How stoopid can you guys be?
 
“But never mind! Doesn´t matter! Because we – and with `we´ I mean myself – Anna Sköldmö! - and my 24 drop-dead gorgeous girlfriends back there in the bus!
 
“I´m telling you, guys! We´ve got lots of stuff to drink! O. P. Anderson specifically! The very best akvavit money can buy in the Kingdom of Sweden! And us girls – all 25 of us drop-dead gorgeous, dumb Swedish blondes – we are willing to share everything we have with you two dorks!
 
“So – you two pathetic a-holes! Right now, the two of you are being blessed with the most fantastic good luck of your lives! Now that us girls just happened to turn up – you two dorks won´t need to die of thirst out here in the furnace-hot and tinder-dry desert out here in Utah! No way! Instead – the two of you now have a chance to experience the world´s most awesome party with an entire bus load of 25 drop-dead gorgeous dumb Swedish blondes! All you guys must do now is to climb on board this here bus and party your butts off together with us girls!”
 
[NOTE 2] (translation into English)
 
“Dumb, drop-dead gorgeous Swedish blondes are always the best! (Even when one of them is, in truth, a Polack!) Heh, heh!
 

THE END