HENKE COMES HOME AND GOES TO BED
 
We enter this daydream of Henke´s at 10:00 AM on a Sunday morning in early February, 2025. The Sunday following Henke´s adventures involving that renowned cemetery – Skogskyrkogården. We find Henke´s wife Thi at home alone in Söderort.
 
Thi is going through some rather peculiar motions. As she moves her arms slowly through the air and twists her torso at the same time – while her feet are planted firmly to one spot in the middle of the living room floor – we see Thi gazing intently at the image of an elderly gentleman on the screen of an iPad - a bald gentleman who is dressed in a saffron yellow robe - and who is going through exactly the same motions as Thi is.
 
Thi is clearly slavishly imitating the elderly gentleman´s motions. The gentleman´s motions are easy for Thi to discern – for the iPad is leaning against a wooden support placed before her on a dining table in the living room in a close-to-vertical position. The elderly gentleman is a Buddhist monk in Ho Chi Minh City who is leading Vietnamese emigrés all over the globe in a session of the Asian brand of slow-motion calisthenics called Tai Chi.
 
Suddenly Thi is distracted by the sound of someone turning a key in the lock of the door to the apartment.
 
The next moment Thi is irritated by the appearance of her husband, Henke.
 
Thi (in a voice dripping of exasperation and irritation):
 
“Where the heck have you been all this time, Henke? When you went out to meet up with your buddies yesterday morning you promised me you would be home no later than 6:00 PM yesterday evening! Yet now it is 10:00 AM the day after! Explain yourself – skitstövel!”
 
Henke (whining):
 
“I´m sorry, darling! I was delayed by an emergency! I had to save a man´s life. It was an awfully close call! If my intervention had been delayed by just a few minutes that poor guy might have been dead right now, Thi! So, I did a good deed! That is why I am late!”
 
Henke sits down on a chair with a deep sigh. Henke is evidently dog-tired.
 
Thi (with a tone of deep suspicion in her voice):
 
“Just exactly who was it whose life you saved yesterday? And don´t lie to me, Henke. I´ll find out sooner or later from the media anyway – since saving a man´s life would be something dramatic – and therefore newsworthy!”
 
Henke:
 
“I saved – well – I saved – err – I saved – Percy, the dentist! I saved his life.”
 
Thi:
 
“You saved the life of Percy, the dentist? What the heck are you talking about? You told me yesterday morning that Percy was the guy whose coffin you and some of your buddies would be carrying! So – Percy was already dead yesterday morning – right?”
 
Henke:
 
“Well – Thi. You know how it is sometimes. Reality is complex and messy! So sometimes things get mighty complicated. But trust me, Thi! Percy is alive and kicking. I said goodbye to him at Skogskyrkogården at 3:00 AM last night. For that is where I saved his life. And then I left him for the sake of coming straight home to you, dearest!”
 
Thi:
 
“Well, Henke! Spare me the details. I mean – spare me all those ludicrous tall tales of yours! Just tell me, Henke! Do you have those 800 crowns you were supposed to be paid for being a pall bearer yesterday?”
 
Henke:
 
“Yes, darling. I have the money in cash in my wallet. The pastor paid all of us pall bearers in full directly after the burial.”
 
Thi:
 
“So - you saved Percy´s life after he was buried? How the heck does that work Henke?”
 
Henke:
 
“I´m sorry darling. But I´m just too tired to explain now! I really need to sleep.
 
Henke´s chin begins to sink down to his chest.
 
Thi:
 
“Well, well, Henke! At least you have the 800 SEK. That´s good news for once. But we´re still in a truly fine pickle. We need to raise at least 6,000 crowns more within the next three months. Or else we will default on our rent and lose our apartment! Since you think you´re so smart, Henke. With all that philosophy B.S. of yours. Which never brings in any money for our food and rent! Why don´t you figure out some way – any which way – that we can earn some good money? Just this once, Henke? Could you please do me that favour?
 
“Henke? Henke! Are you listening? Skitstövel!”
 
Henke´s head jerks up from his chest. Now that Thi yells at him he wakes up!
 
Henke (with a slurred voice):
 
“Sorry, darling! I´m sorry, Thi. What were you saying?”
 
Thi:
 
“Henke! Get the heck your mind together and figure out some way that we can get our hands on at least 6,000 crowns within three months! So that we don´t lose the roof over our heads!”
 
Henke:
 
“Okay, darling! Okay. I´ll get down to it. But - right now I just got to go and get undressed and crawl in under the blankets in our bed. Because I haven´t slept a wink for something like the last 30 hours - or more!”
 
Thi (in a tired voice):
 
“Oh, alright. I guess you simply can´t do any useful thinking when you evidently are dog-tired. You just go and get some sleep, Henke. I´ll make you some oatmeal porridge for a late breakfast when you wake up.”
 
Henke staggers to his feet, trudges over to Thi and gives her an affectionate peck on her cheek. Then Henke sort of limps off to bed.
 
Thi looks in on Henke every half hour or so for the entire ten-hour duration of his slumber after Saturday´s escapades. Thi realizes that Henke must be experiencing some truly wild and woolly dreams during that long, long sleep – given the way he keeps tossing and turning all night – err, all late morning and entire afternoon – long! She wonders what the heck Henke´s dreams might be about.
 
If only she knew!
 
HENKE AND THI START PLANNING
 
At 6:00 PM Henke wanders into the living room where Thi is sitting studying one of her numerous books cum taped lessons with instruction in the Swedish language for immigrants. Thi gets promptly gets up and asks Henke if he is hungry. Henke replies that he is famished – since has not had a chance to eat a bite since early Saturday morning.
 
Thi:
 
“Well then dear. I will make you a great big helping of oatmeal – as a long overdue breakfast! I hope you slept well, darling? Despite all your tossing and turning?”
 
Henke:
 
“Oh – oatmeal, Thi? With lots of hazel nuts – and cinnamon? Yum – my favourite!”
 
Thi goes out into the kitchen to prepare the meal. Henke goes over to the bathroom for the sake of freshening up after his long sleep.
 
When Henke is finished washing up – and emerges from the bathroom – the oatmeal porridge is ready for him. Henke sits down at the dining table to eat his porridge. Thi sits down opposite to Henke.
 
After Henke has swallowed a few spoons of porridge, Thi poses a question to him.
 
Thi:
 
I watched you as you slept during the past eight hours. I was mystified by your never-ending tossing and turning! All that dreaming – did it lead to any useful results? I mean, Henke – darling. Did any ideas dawn on you during all those hours, and hours of tossing and turning? We sure need some money – and that real fast!”
 
Henke:
 
“As a matter of fact – yes, darling! A great idea came into my head when I started to recall – in one of my numerous dreams – a funny movie I saw something like 14 years ago!”
 
Thi:
 
“A funny movie, Henke? Skitstövel! We don´t have time for levity right now. Things are mighty serious! We really need to figure out some way to make enough money to pay our rent – and you´re telling me that you spent your time dreaming about funny movies from way back when? How dare you?”
 
Henke:
 
“But darling! Remember that we are always fallible! And therefore – we should never be too sure of ourselves. We need to be open to the possibility that we might be able to learn from an occasional way-out-of-left-field teacher! Such as a B-movie from Hollywood of all places!”
 
Thi:
 
“Yeah, Henke. Sure. You yourself are walking, talking proof that everyone and all their brothers and all their sisters are eminently fallible!”
 
Henke:
 
“But! Consider this possibility, darling. Precisely because I have made catastrophic mistakes so many times in the past. Precisely because of said fact - I have by now self-developed an awesome ability to discern which ones of the multitudinous alternatives I encounter nowadays are the mistakes. And – therefore I am today equipped with an awesome ability to avoid the making of mistakes! So there!”
 
Thi (holding her head in her hands):
 
“Oh, Henke! That confounded logic of yours is giving me a headache!”
 
Henke:
 
“Well, Thi darling! If my logic does not suit you – do you have any better logic to come with? I mean – do you have any ideas which you think might work? Ideas which might bring in enough money to pay our rent within a few months? If not – then I think you should at least let me present my idea to you. For your consideration!”
 
Thi:
 
“OK, Henke! OK. I say uncle! I´m just too tired to argue with you. Or even to trash your name! Oh – why did I ever marry you, Henke?” Henke (in a sincere tone of voice):
 
“Because you pitied me, darling?”
 
Henke at this point walks over to Thi, takes her two hands into his and gives her a deep kiss into her mouth. Thi responded by passionately putting both her arms around Henke and embracing him. They experience again a moment of the joy they had known those fifteen and a half years before – when they were newlyweds.
 
Henke scoops his dainty beloved Thi up into his arms and carries her off into the bedroom. As he is carrying Thi she makes a profound remark.
 
Thi:
 
“Oh, yes Henke! Yes! Now I remember why I married you! I married you for that disarming honesty of yours!
 
“In the long run, at least, you always do own up to your errors – and even to your moral defaults!”
 
Henke:
 
“You know what, darling Thi? I suggest that I tell you all about my oh-so-brilliant idea in the morning. When we are well-rested.”
 
With that Henke gives Thi a wink.
 
Henke:
 
“And when we´re both satisfied!”
 
Thi and Henke spend the rest of the evening and night in bed – doing lots of cuddling and hanky-panky!
 
PLANNING IN THE HAPPY MORNING
 
Henke and Thi feel happy and cheerful when they “woke up, got out of bed and dragged their combs across their heads” the morning after. Fortunately, Thi´s work schedule at the local nursing home does not require her to begin working until 3:00 PM said Monday. And since Henke was six years older than Thi - he was already a pensioner and had no work whatsoever that required his attendance!
 
Henke began explaining his “brilliant” idea to Thi over their breakfast of oatmeal with cinnamon and hazel nuts.
 
Henke:
 
“You adopted a sceptical attitude to the idea I mentioned because I told you it was inspired by a funny movie which I saw sixteen years ago. Well – Thi, have you ever heard of that popular saying that reality is sometimes stranger than fiction? That popular saying clearly implies that sometimes some pieces of fiction are more realistic than some parts of reality.”
 
Thi:
 
“Really, Henke? I´m not at all sure about that!”
 
Henke:
 
“Well, Thi. Some of the stuff that comes out of Hollywood is, to be sure, outrageously unrealistic! For example – all the silly superhero movies which have been all the rage in Hollywood for the last fifteen years or so! Superheroes equipped with the ability to fly up into outer space and with physically indestructible bodies and all that jazz.
 
“But let me give you an example of a Hollywood movie I once saw which impressed me with its element of realism. The flick was titled Dream Team, if my memory isn´t failing me. I saw it at the tail end of the 1980s. This movie spoke to me, Thi. I could identify with the fictitious main characters in the flick. The movie concerned a quartet of mental patients – who were on an outing into NYC from their asylum in New Jersey. The “leader” of the patients was portrayed by Michael Keaton. They and their chaperone doctor get into trouble with some rogue, i.e. criminal, cops in NYC – and the patients get separated from their chaperone.
 
“Now all sorts of grievous problems develop for these four pathetic psychos when they wind up wandering around on the streets of NYC without a clue about what to do with themselves. You know, Thi. I recognized myself in those four characters. They reminded me of myself when I was 18 and 19 years old and committed for a period of fifteen months to a mental hospital here in Sweden with a diagnosis of schizophrenia!
 
“So, Thi. Some Hollywood movies are not entirely unrealistic after all! Even though they are pieces of fiction. Well, Thi – please let me tell you about a movie I saw in the fall of the year 2008 – almost exactly half a year before I met you. This movie involved a young man and a young woman who are just friends and who both have low-paying jobs. But even though they are not in a relationship they share the same apartment – for strictly practical, economic reasons. And – just like us they wind up in dire straits because they find themselves in desperate need of money to pay the rent!
 
“So, Thi! Can you guess what utterly brilliant plan they come up with to raise money for the rent? Can you guess?”
 
Thi:
 
“I cannot even begin to guess unless you give me a clue, Henke!”
 
Henke:
 
“Well, Thi - the guy is smart enough to realize that there is an enormous market for pornography videos! And that with today´s modern and advanced technology private individuals can afford the equipment necessary to make video sequences amounting to as much as an hour or so. Subsequently the guy just put two and two together and comes up with the absolutely brilliant idea that he and his female friend/roommate could scrounge together the necessary equipment and improvise a set on which to do the filming. And solve all their economic problems by dint of producing a homemade porno!
 
“You see darling! A DIY porno of all things! There is hope for us after all. But it takes a wee bit of imagination to discover said fact!”
 
Thi:
 
“You´re crazy, Henke!”
 
Henke (with pride in his voice):
 
“Sure am! But listen, darling - seriously. It gets still better! Those two nerds – Zack and Miri – they didn´t bother to flex their grey cells at all. Nada creativity. For they got themselves a sufficient amount of money for the rent by making a porn video with just plain old, conventional vanilla sex – and the missionary position to boot!
 
“But we know better than that – don´t we, darling? What all the John and the Jane Does out there really go for is the spicy, steamy, weird stuff! BDSM, Thi - BDSM! That´s the key to making piles of money, darling.
 
“The thrill of the unknown! The fascination with the forbidden! We must offer the suckers out there something way, way out of the mainstream! Something extra-galactic! Something crazy-ass - which all those dumb John and Jane Does have always dreamed about oh-so-wistfully – but never, ever worked up the courage to try out for themselves in real life!”
 
Thi:
 
“Sigh! But - we don´t have any video cameras and microphones and audio recording stuff, Henke!”
 
Henke:
 
“But our friend Ming and his wife can lend us theirs! Remember all those cute videos of their kids which they showed us at their big New Year´s party just a month ago! The technical quality of those videos was awesome. Ming and his wife must have some great equipment in their possession! We can tell Ming that we intend to make ourselves some money on the side - by means of making educational videos in which you instruct Swedish members of the public on how to prepare genuine Vietnamese food. And we can promise Ming and his wife a cut of, say, 33% of the profits in return for borrowing their equipment.
 
“And – but of course – then we will have to make a few videos of you teaching Swedish suckers how to do Vietnamese cooking. We will show those videos to Ming and his wife. But we can make darn sure that we have the equipment in our possession for a sufficient length of time so that we can make the porn video as well. And Ming and his wife will never suspect that the money they receive for renting us their equipment came from a porn video business venture on our part! They will just assume that the cooking education video was truly lucrative. I sure am smart! Don´t you think so too, darling!”
 
Thi just sits there at the table with their now empty bowls of oatmeal porridge not yet cleared away. She bites her lip and doesn´t venture to say anything at all.
 
Henke volunteers a suggestion:
 
“Well, Thi. Do you have any better ideas?”
 
Thi sighs. Then she gets up wearily to haul the now empty porridge bowls over to the kitchen sink – for the sake of washing away the remnants of the oatmeal.
 
Thi:
 
”OK - Henke! I´m tired. Kör – för f-n! Lets just do it - and get it all over with!”
 
THE CRAZY-ASS PORNO BEGINS
 
A week later the filming (video-filming, that is) is ready to start. We find the following scene laid out before us. Henke and Thi are standing at the side of their double-bed in their bedroom – casually dressed. Somehow (remember – this is supposed to be one of Henke´s psycho daydreams. It´s not really for real!) the bedroom is so big that there is room for numerous friends of Henke and Thi to be assembled outside of our visual field. Assembled around the relatively modest-sized area in which the action depicted in the video will play out.
 
The friend of Henke´s (and not of Thi´s!) who happens to be functioning as the director gives the appropriate signal – the microphones are switched on - the video cameras begin rolling - and the pornographic farce begins!
 
Thi:
 
“Dinner will be ready soon, darling!”
 
Henke:
 
“Great, dear! I sure am hungry. But Thi – darling! Right now - I am still more horny - than hungry! Couldn´t we find just a little time for some hanky-panky before we eat? Please, darling? Pretty please?”
 
Thi:
 
“Oh, darling Henke! I thought you´d never ask! It´s been ages since you last satisfied my libido, Henke! Were you thinking of any specific type of erotic activity perchance?”
 
Henke:
 
“Thi, darling! You know how fond of that good old BDSM stuff I am.”
 
Thi (breathlessly and licking her lips):
 
“Oh yes, Henke! – Let´s do I!”
 
Henke:
 
“Then how about some of that good old role-play thing? You remember what my favourite is don´t you, Thi?”
 
Thi (in an ecstatic voice):
 
“Yes! Yes! I´ll be the professional – and you´ll be my customer!”
 
Then Thi suddenly adopts a stern and absolutely, no-nonsense kind of voice!
 
Thi:
 
“You there – Henke. Slave! Fetch the punishment furniture right now! This instant! Or else you will sorely regret your tardiness! Let me tell you! You, you - worthless piece of scum!”
 
Thi is now pointing with her right arm, hand and forefinger at the closed door behind Henke. Henke wastes no time. He wheels around, hurries to the door, opens it and scurries into what must be a storage room for the sake of fetching the punishment furniture.
 
Just ten seconds later he emerges from said storage room and proceeds to wheel into the bedroom a great big special kind of chair. What kind of chair?
 
The big kind of chair in which patients recline when they pay a visit to a dentist´s office! Henke now leaves the dentist chair in the middle of the bedroom, says not a word and hurries back into the storage room. He quietly closes the door to said room behind him.
 
Ten seconds of silence. Then we hear knocking from inside the door to the storage room. Thi responds.
 
Thi (doing her very best Steve Martin impression):
 
“Come right in - sucker! Right now! And - welcome to my lair – you fool!”
 
The door opens – and we see Henke step in.
 
Henke announces (while doing his very best Bill Murray impression):
 
“Oh – doc, doc! I am sorely in need of your help. Name your price! Rip me off - if you must! But – doc! I think – correct that - I know that what I need right now. More than ever before! Is a nice slow, sloooow root canal! Without any anaesthetic! Absolutely nada pain-killers, doc! You hear me?”
 
Thi (snarling like a regular angry Steve Martin):
 
“Oh! What have we here? A wise guy evidentently! Well Henke – I´ll teach you a lesson in manners! Just you wait while I get my tools ready! In just a few moments I´ll fix up some major torment for you – you pathetic sucker!”
 
Thi begins to check out all the assorted tools of the dentist´s trade which are lying on the small table which was already attached to the dentist´s chair when Henke had wheeled it in. Henke just sits in the chair – cool, calm and collected – smiling a dumb smile and whistling softly to himself.
 
After thirty seconds Thi turns towards Henke and attacks! Attacks Henke´s mouth that is. For – Henke has been very cooperative and has opened his mouth real wide. The very moment he saw that Thi had selected her first tools, was holding them in her hand and was turning towards him! Henke evidently just can´t wait!
 
Thi inserts the dentist´s drill into Henke´s open mouth and switches it on. Whizzz! Then we see Thi leaning and placing her face over Henke´s mouth so that she can see exactly what she – or rather the drill! – is doing while she does her very best to perpetrate maximum agony on Henke.
 
We can see how hard Thi is working. Her right hand – the one holding the drill – roams around, and around in Henke´s gaping mouth. Evidently - Thi is giving every single individual tooth in Henke´s mouth “the treatment”!
 
All the while, Henke is cooing and sighing. Like a baby that´s in a frenzy of breast-feeding from its mommy. Or – like a red-blooded adult female who is in the middle of being pleasured by a superbly skilled lover! Henke obviously feels like he is in heaven!
 
Thi begins to break out in a sweat. We can hear her audibly gnashing her teeth and making strange noises from deep down in her throat! This is so frustrating! After several minutes of futile Herculean effort – Thi gives up! She steps back from Henke – throws down her tools – and snarls!
 
Thi (doing her very best furious Steve Martin impersonation):
 
“What the heck is going on here? This is so frustrating!”
 
Henke:
 
“Hey doc! What´s wrong? Why did you stop just when everything was getting real good? Weren´t my teeth bad enough for you?”
 
Thi:
 
“You sick – you sick – pervert! Get out of my establishment! And stay out! Sexual perverts like you belong in gas chambers! Get out, get out! And never, ever come back!”
 
Henke:
 
“Aw – gee doc! Why did you have to stop? Just when the going was getting really good? You´re no fun at all!”
 
Thi (snarling): “Get out! Be gone! Get the heck out of here! Skitstövel! Swine!””
 
Henke tries to let himself out via the door to the storeroom. But at the last possible split second Thi yells at him:
 
Thi:
 
“Stop! Stop – you blackguard! Not so fast!
 
“What have we here?”
 
Thi has caught up with Henke – by means of a couple of uber-determined giant strides. She sticks her hand down into the deep right-hand pocket of the vest Henke is wearing – and she retrieves from the deep pocket a shiny, brand new dental forceps!
 
Henke (doing his very best Bill Murray impersonation):
 
“Oops!”
 
Henke faces Thi´s glare of fury with a stupid smile on his face. The stupid smile of a naughty boy who is sort of aware that he has just gotten caught red-handed!
 
Thi:
 
“You! You! Ingrate! I work my butt off trying to perpetrate the most exquisite possible agony on you, my customer – and you repay me by trying to steal my stuff! This is an outrage!
 
“You will pay through the nose for this crime, Henke! Mark my word! This means - the penultimate punishment for you, Henke!
 
“But – first we eat dinner! And hear this, Henke! We are going to have brulé pudding for desert tonight. Your favourite. And I am going to perpetrate my penultimate punishment on you tonight! So there! Suck on that, Henke! You swine!”
 
Henke:
 
“Oh, no. Boo hoo! Brulé pudding tonight – combined with Thi´s penultimate punishment! Oh – woe is me!”
 
Henke starts sniffling. Thi pushes him in the direction of the door into the dining room.
 
The video cameras take a pause. The filming of the video recommences as Thi and Henke are both sitting at opposite ends of the rather big, long table in the dining room. The butler, dressed in livery, brings in the main dish from the chef in the kitchen.
 
[Remember – this is supposed to be a porno – a work of fiction in other words. In reality, of course, there would never have been a snowball´s chance in hell that Henke and Thi might have equipped themselves with a butler – or a chef – or a big dining room!]
 
The video skips over to the uneventful eating of the main course. Then the butler serves the desert. Brulé pudding! Henke gazes lovingly, with tears welling up in his eyes, at the delicacy in the silver bowl which has been set down before him.
 
Then, suddenly, Thi bustles over to Henke in a flash – and snatches the silver bowl with its precious load away from Henke!
 
Thi (doing her very best Cloris Leachman impersonation):
 
“Shoplifters get no brulé pudding!”
 
Henke (doing his very best Harvey Korman impersonation):
 
“Oh, Thi! Why do you have to be so goshdarn strict?”
 
Henke breaks down and starts sobbing. He was so looking forward to that delicious brulé pudding!
 
The butler evidently hears Henke´s sobbing and re-enters the dining room from the kitchen carrying a silver platter with a silver covering which hides whatever it is that´s on the platter.
 
At first – Henke fails to notice the butler – because he is all caught up in his sobbing.
 
The butler (doing his very best Stephen Fry impersonation):
 
“Sir! Harrumph! I have something for you sir!”
 
Henke now, oh-so-slowly, begins noticing what is going on around him.
 
Henke (in a relieved tone of voice):
 
“Oh, Jeeves! Do you have what I need right now? Do you – do you?”
 
Jeeves (in a voice just oozing dignity and restraint):
 
“Certainly sir! I always know just what you need before you know it yourself! After all – I am your butler, sir!”
 
With a flourish Jeeves removes the inverted silver bowl which was hiding whatever was on the silver platter. In an instant, Henke snatches that blue-looking “thingy” from the platter and hugs it to his cheek.
 
Then Henke wails (doing his very best Gene Wilder impersonation):
 
“Oh my little, blue blanket! Oh - my precious little, blue blanket!”
 
Thi has by now moved over to the door to the living room. She opens the door and cries into the living room.
 
Thi:
 
“Edna! Maid! I need you. Right now – in the dining room! Get a move on!”
 
In a moment a dour-looking, frumpy middle-aged woman dressed in a maid outfit enters the dining room from the living room.
 
Thi:
 
“Edna! I need your help for the sake of dealing with my bad boy husband here! Henke sorely needs some major shaming right now!”
 
Edna (doing her very best Imogene Coca impersonation):
 
“Oh, Mistress! I really feel for you! Your hubby is such a bad, bad boy every single day of the year! So – let the shaming begin, Mistress!”
 
Together Thi and Edna march resolutely over to Henke, place themselves oh-so-close to him – and scold him! Thi lambasts Henke into his right ear! Edna lambasts Henke into his left ear! Scolding in stereo!
 
Thi and Edna (All together now!):
 
“Oh – look at that pathetic cry-baby! Where is Henke´s courage for Chrissake? He doesn´t have any! Haw, haw, haw! Cry, Henke! That´s right cry, you cry-baby! That´s all you´re good for! You and that pathetic little blue blanket you treasure! Haw, haw, haw!”
 
Jeeves has seen this coming and has therefore already retreated into the kitchen in time. He would have been in a real jam if Thi had required of him to participate in the scolding of poor, poor Henke. For Jeeves really likes – or, rather, pities Henke – and Henke is a guy, not a gal, after all. Gender solidarity and all that. Still! What if Jeeves job had been on the line? Jeeves does not wish to even think about that eventuality!
 
Henke:
 
“Oh – no, no, no – boo hoo-ooo! Why are you doing this to me, ladies?”
 
Thi and Edna:
 
“Cry-baby! Wimp! Weakling! Henke is really pathetic! Nah, nah, nah! Cry-baby! Nah, nah, nah! Henke the Dickless! Henke the Dickless! Shame on you! Pathetic baby! Nah, nah, nah! Haw, haw, haw!”
 
Thi and Edna continue to shame and taunt Henke. Because – every broad worth her salt knows that´s just exactly what pathetic bad boy cry-babies deserve! And – what would you expect? Henke just continues to hug his little blue blanket and bawl and cry!
 
Finally - Thi ends this farce by means of grabbing Henke´s ear and dragging him in the direction of the door to the bedroom – all the while berating him – and informing him that still more punishment is coming up!
 
Thi:
 
“OK, Henke! Enough of this! Now you´re really for it, you piece of worthless scum! Now I´m going to perpetrate the ultimate punishment on you! Yes, Henke! Not just the penultimate punishment. But the ultimate punishment! Do you comprehend, Henke, you filthy scum?”
 
Just as Thi opens the door to the bedroom - and is on the verge of dragging Henke in, by his ear – Henke breaks out in a wail of terror!
 
Henke:
 
“Oh, no! No, Thi – please! Not the ultimate punishment – not the brown bombing? Please – not that! I´ll be good – I´ll behave perfectly from now on! Just – please, Thi – just spare me the brown bombing punishment! Please! Pretty please!”
 
Thi (with glee):
 
“Brown bombing it is! Coming right up! Haw, haw, haw!”
 
Henke bawls some more. But Thi just drags Henke into the bedroom. And slams the door shut behind them!
 
Edna:
 
“Oh, crap! It´s always the same! My mistress Thi gets to have all the fun! And me? Poor old me – the maid? I´m the one who is required to clean up the mess afterwards! When you belong to the working class – and you´re a female to boot! Then you wind up getting all the sh-t foisted on you! Henke – that spoiled cry-baby! He doesn´t realize how good he has it!
 
“Grumble, grumble, grumble!”
 
And with that the porno concludes. You might think that the porno video would continue in the bedroom with that “brown bombing” which Thi had promised to perpetrate on Henke. But no – at this point a simple text appears in the porno video – with the following message:
 
“In the name of good taste, we – the proprietors of The Henke and Thi DIY Porno Company leave it up to our customers´ imagination to project what happens next!”
 
AFTERMATH
 
Thi and Henke are sitting together in their living room – on a Saturday morning in early May of 2025. They are finishing their financial reckoning – trying to figure out how much - if any - money they made from their DIY porno venture.
 
Thi:
 
“So – Henke. Our outlays for wages to our friends/assistants amount to 8,600 SEK – including arbetsgivaravgifter (“employer wage taxes”)?”
 
Henke:
 
“That´s right, Thi.”
 
Thi:
 
“Well then. The total costs for all our props and stuff amount to 6,000 SEK. And – our marketing costs amount to 2,300 SEK. And – our distribution costs amount to 1,900 SEK. So - our total costs amount to 18,800 SEK. Do you have our sales figure as of the 30th of April?”
 
Henke:
 
“Sure, darling. Our total sales as of the end of April amount to 61,400 SEK exclusive of VAT.”
 
Thi:
 
“Let´s see. That works out to a profit, before income tax – of 42,600 SEK. That´s pretty darn good, Henke! Even though we owe Ming, and our other friends, a cut of that money for their assistance. So - I really must be nice to you now – for a while! You have indeed dug us out of that economic hole we were in about three months ago!”
 
Henke:
 
“Welllll – Actually Thi darling. I´m afraid we´re not quite out of the woods yet.”
 
Thi:
 
“Oh no! What are you trying to tell me now, Henke? Are you about to perpetrate still more headaches on me? Oh well, Henke. Just tell me whatever it is now - and get it over with!”
 
Henke:
 
“Well, darling. For one thing – a problem is that The Weinstein Company has sent us a notice that they are suing us for allegedly ruining their reputation. They claim that we perpetrated bad will on a movie of theirs from way back when – a movie they made back in the year 2008. The people at The Weinstein Company feel that we brought their flick into disrepute just because our DIY porno involves way-out-of-the-mainstream sex! And theirs didn´t. The nerve! They are arguing that we have dirtied their reputation! Still, personally, I don´t think their suit will hold water – given the precedent which we can refer to when we defend ourselves. So – we don´t need to worry about it darling.”
 
Thi:
 
“A suit! That´s real bad news, Henke. You know we can´t afford any lawyers!”
 
Henke:
 
“We won´t need any lawyers. We can defend ourselves. We can just refer to the precedent set when the Mattel toy company sued the Danish/Norwegian pop music group Aqua for copyright infringement back in the late former millenium. You´ve heard about that case - haven´t you dear? Mattel sued Aqua for infringement of their Barbie Doll trademark. All because Aqua poked fun at Barbie in a song! But Mattel lost the case because the judge saw the humour in the song by Aqua which Mattel alleged violated their copyright. The judge advised both parties in the case to just “chill”! And that was that!”
 
Thi:
 
“I sure hope you´re right, Henke. If not I´m going to be mean to you for a real long time!”
 
Henke:
 
“I hear you, darling. And I´m not worried. But – dearest. We have another, bigger problem.
 
“Namely loads of customers of ours who want their money back! A bunch of rotten ingrates among our customers are claiming that we gypped them because we did not include the brown bombing punishment in the video!
 
“Our customers are evidently a pack of sickos! Evidently - they lust for excretive stuff in their love lives! Can you believe that fact, honey? Our fellow human beings are so utterly depraved! It almost makes me ashamed to belong to the same species as them!”
 
Thi:
 
“Well - what are we to say to their complaints, Henke? Dissatisfied customers who demand their money back can sink each, and every, business enterprise you know.”
 
Henke:
 
“I suppose that our most logical defence will have to be that we only promised our customers a “BDSM-fest” in our marketing – but that we did not breathe a word about the `brown bombing´ thing, specifically, in said marketing! It is an objective fact that our marketing did not mention `brown bombing´ at all.”
 
Thi:
 
“Well – then we will just be obliged by necessity to hunker down and wait – and hope! Because now we´ve done it – the DIY porno, I mean. And we cannot undo what we did.
 
“But Henke – I´m warning you! You had better come up with a real good back-up strategy – just in case our home-made porno project turns out to backfire on us.”
 
PICKING UP THE PIECES
 
Two weeks later Thi and Henke are sitting in the living room again – with a table covered with papers in front of them.
 
Thi (with her head in her hands):
 
“OK, Henke. So - the Chamber of Commerce agreed with us that our customers don´t have a right to get their money back. That´s a relief! We get to keep the money we´ve made on our first DIY porno.
 
“But with dozens of angry customers - and with a reputation on the DIY porno market which is way down in the cellar, Henke! We don´t stand a snowball´s chance in hell of making a successful DIY porno ever again! So - we merely postponed the private economic apocalypse for a few months. We´ve got rent payments due during the next few months as well. So now what?”
 
Thi begins crying softly.
 
Henke:
 
“Darling, darling. There´s still hope. I´ve always got one resource I can fall back on when the going gets rough. Trust me!”
 
Thi:
 
“You say that you have got `One resource you can fall back on when the going gets rough?´ That´s me you´re talking about – isn´t it, Henke? Oh – why did I ever marry you? Boo hoo hoo!”
 
Henke:
 
“I didn´t mean you, Thi! I really don´t want to exploit you. But you know, Thi – after my alleged bout of schizophrenia way back in my teen years. I have been saddled with a mind which is not so great at the fine art of thinking. But which is utterly fantastic when it comes to the fine art of daydreaming! So – Thi. During our five-week vacation last October in America – this brilliant idea hit me! I could, at long last, achieve existential success in life by means of leveraging that one, single thing in life which I am good at – daydreaming!
 
“Here´s what I have done in recent months darling. You have noticed, have you not? That during the past several months I have spent many hours sitting in front of our desktop in the bedroom. Typing and typing on the PC´s keyboard? Why did I do that, do you think, Thi? For no good reason at all? No, darling! I was working hard on a solution to our problems. Maybe – just maybe – there´s a market out there for my crazy-ass daydreams?
 
“Well, darling. We´ll pretty darn soon know the answer. I spent the just passed half-year which has followed that-vacation-which-changed-my-life writing down a choice half dozen or so of my best daydreams. And then – a couple of months ago I sent the Word-file with the manuscript to a publisher. I anticipate that the publisher will notify me of their decision concerning the putative book any day now!
 
“I sure hope this works, Thi. It was the best shot I could come up with. And you know - with just a little bit of luck my book – titled Henke´s Funnies - will become a best-seller. And then we´ll make a killing on the royalties!
 
“You know, darling. Life hasn´t been easy for me after the Comprachicos sabotaged my mind when I was in high school back in my teen-age years. But I still haven´t given up!”
 
Thi:
 
“Sure, Henke. Sure. After being married to you for sixteen years I know all too well how all screwed-up your mind is. After all - I´ve been living with you – and sleeping in the same bed as you - almost non-stop for more than a decade and a half now.
 
“So - I should know just how your mind works by now. Or rather – how it doesn´t work! And – to be sure – America´s all screwed-up politics is eloquent testimony to the pernicious nature of the schools in which all the leaders of the USA have been educated – and thereby trained. After all – in all fairness. Trump´s even worse than you are as far as craziness is concerned! So – you´re not the only one, Henke!
 
“Although – you are the only one for me! So there! You know what, Henke? You turned out alright - in my book. You weren´t strong enough to beat the Comprachicos. But at least you rebelled against them – instead of joining them! And that means - you´re OK by me!”
 
With that Thi and Henke put their arms around each other. The world had not ended quite yet!
 

THE END